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Welcome to Your Achievement Ezine
Issue 276 - September 7, 2006

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How to Communicate After a Fight - Six Easy Steps to Recover Relationship Harmony! by John Gray

Wouldn't it be great if your love relationship could be a bed of roses all the time? Imagine being magically transported to a land of brilliant sunrises and sunsets where there were no misunderstandings or hurt feelings, no sideways glares, no slammed doors, and no arguing. As much as any couple may avoid fighting, the truth is, one minute you may feel great passion, and the next you're contemplating divorce!

Too many times we justify this shift in attitude by thinking that our partner's behavior needs an overhaul. Funny thing though, it's usually not about them! So what's next? How can couples open the communication again and put an argument behind them?

Read on as we take a look at the six steps to leaving a fight in the dust and getting back on the road to lasting romance.

1. Take the Edge Off - Get a Little Space
The best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud. Men, in particular, need to cool off and think things through. Women need to make sure that they are not bringing a 'cold-front' to the negotiating table. This is a good time to reflect on how you usually approach your partner. Take a step back and think about how much you love this person. Also, focus on your own needs and take some self-healing time.

2. Ease Into It After Some Downtime
Approach each other slowly and softly after some downtime. Wait until you can feel positively about your partner and the relationship, as it's impossible to work things out when negative emotions are still on the surface. If your anger, hurt or frustration is still overwhelming, take it as a sign that you are not ready to jump into solution making. It's too easy to blow things out of proportion unless you take a step back and ease in to the resolution slowly.

3. Nothing Too Serious
After some time has passed, come back and talk again, but in a loving and respectful way. Fueling the argument is not your goal. Take it easy, and keep the conversation light, because even though some time has passed, you still may not be able to be objective right away. Simple gestures like a smile, holding hands or getting your partner to laugh at something silly and unrelated to the situation can be good icebreakers.

4. Women Need to Talk
Women often need to completely talk the problem through before they are able to stand aside and put it behind them. Men can mistakenly feel blamed and attacked when a woman works through her problems by talking, so it's a good idea for her to reassure him. By letting him know how much he is supporting her by listening, she will free him from feeling unappreciated or attacked as she rehashes the details of the upset.

5. Men Need to Be Forgiven
After a big blow-up, men simply need to be told that they are forgiven. The four magic words to support a man in getting over hurt or angry feelings are, "it's not your fault." A man hates to feel criticized, or that his partner disapproves of him. When a woman forgives her partner for his mistakes, she not only frees him to love again but also gives herself permission to forgive her own imperfections.

6. Both Parties Need to Take Personal Responsibility Couples can't point fingers after an argument and expect things to get better. Both men and women have to acknowledge their own shortcomings and take responsibility in order to move on and improve communication. Men have to let go of being righteous, demanding and overly sensitive, while women have an opportunity to apply new and improved relationship skills to assure him that he is appreciated and that she does not blame him for the fight.

Learning to communicate with each other through stormy times is essential to the success of a long-lasting relationship. While the best advice we have for couples is to avoid arguments, the stresses of ordinary life can get in the way of even the happiest Martian and Venusian collaboration. Again, forgiveness really is key for both sides. None of us will ever find a mate who is perfect all of the time, however, we can be the best for the one who is most perfect for us.


John Gray is the author of 15 best-selling books, including Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus; the number one best-selling relationship book of the last decade. In the past ten years, over 30 million Mars and Venus books have been sold in over 40 languages throughout the world. An expert in the field of communication, John Gray's focus is to help men and women understand, respect and appreciate their differences in both personal and professional relationships. To order John's new release, John Gray Live! Beyond Mars and Venus as an Individual Set (contains one DVD and one CD of the speakers' 'live' performance) at a special discount or to view and learn more about The Complete Ultimate Collection for Entrepreneurs and Sales Professionals -- including Jim Rohn, Jeffrey Gitomer, Brian Tracy, Connie Podesta and More! (10 DVD/CD package) go to http://dvdset.yoursuccessstore.com or call 877-929-0439. (c) 2006 All Rights Reserved.

"You are your own scriptwriter and the play is never finished, no matter what your age or position in life." Denis Waitley

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When traveling down the road it is always good to beware of roadblocks! You don't want to crash and burn do you? The same is true in our journey toward success. We need to beware of those things that will keep us from our destination!

What are the most common? Here they are:

1. Fear. Fear is one of the worst enemies of success. When fear wraps its tentacles around you and keeps you in bondage, you will never be able to reach for your dreams. We must confront our fears, see them for what they are, toss them to the side, and pursue our dreams with relentless passion. Conquering fear and stepping forward to reach new lands and new ideas is what makes success possible. What are you afraid of today? What fear must you conquer to be able to achieve your dream? When you realize what it is, take an action that is diametrically opposed to that which you fear. This will confront and conquer the fear by giving you the first step in the right direction.

2. Lethargy. Quite frankly, what keeps most people from success is that they simply don't have the energy, or make the energy, to do what it takes to move to the next level. They get to a point that is comfortable and then they settle in for a nice, life-long nap! Don't get lethargic; get going! Force yourself to wake up from the slumber and move!

3. Lack of perseverance. Often times the race is lost because the race is not finished. Success is often just around the sharpest corner or the steepest hill. Persevere. Keep going. One more hill. One more corner! In real estate they say the three most important things are "location, location, location." In success the three most important things are "perseverance, perseverance, perseverance."

4. Pessimism. The saying is that you can achieve what you believe. Ask yourself what kinds of beliefs you hold. Are you an optimist or a pessimist? If you don't believe that you can achieve than you won't. Your pessimism will prove yourself right every time. You will find that you subconsciously undermine yourself. Develop your optimism. Look for ways to believe that you can achieve success.

5. Not taking responsibility. I am the chaplain for the local police department. The other day I went with an officer as he took two prisoners to court. Time after time the prisoners made excuses as to why they hadn't yet done what the judge had ordered (she didn't buy it, by the way). After dropping the prisoners off, I said to the officer that unsuccessful people and prisoners have the same bad habit - they won't accept responsibility for their lives. You are responsible. When you accept that, you are on the road to success.

6. Picking the wrong people to hang out with. We can easily become products of our environment. This is why it is essential to hang around people who will spur you on not hold you back! What about the people you have surrounded yourself with? Are they quality people who will encourage you and strengthen you in your quest for success? If not, move on!

7. No vision. Those who succeed always see their success months and years before they live it. They have the ability to look ahead, see the future, imagine the good that can and will come from their lives, families and work. To not have vision is a tremendous roadblock. Sit down and work on seeing the future - and make it good!


Chris Widener is an internationally recognized speaker, author and radio host. Chris is the author of five books and audio series as well as over 350 success articles. Chris demonstrates a style that is engaging and versatile while providing life-changing principles of leadership, motivation and success. If you would like to order Chris' products, including his Newest book The Image,  Twelve Pillars, co-authored with Jim Rohn, or The Angel Inside, or his newest CD series, The Winning With Influence or The Extraordinary Leaders Seminar, or to book him to speak at your next event, go to http://www.yoursuccessstore.com/speakers or send an email to speaker@yoursuccessstore.com or call 877-929-0439.


 

"Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life"  Sophia Loren

4. Stephen Covey's New Release, The 8th Habit, plus John Gray, Jim Rohn, Les Brown, Tom Peters and More!